5 Cases of People Eating Each Other in 1 Week

So after five flesh eating incidents in one week I have to ask--is the zombie apocalypse upon us? Seriously though do not listen to advertisements from Bath and Body Works that intice you to smell like fruit. This is the worst time in U.S. history to smell like anything eatable.

Although I do not believe in an imminent attack by the undead, I do not put a chemical induced psychosis out of the realm of possibility. Even a communicable virus that affects humans like rabies affects animals is possible. Likely no, possible yes.

In the mean time regardless of the reason people are munching on others we should be thankful we have the second amendment. Don't have a gun? Well then you are the free samples at Walmart.

What do you need to survive an attack of the flesh munchies? A Shotgun, shovel, and an ax. At least that is what I have gleaned from hours of Zombie films and AMC's The Walking Dead. Either way if you tan regularly you will survive longer. After all beef jerky takes longer to chew.

To Err is Human, To Laugh is Divine

       Is sarcasm a spiritual gift? I sure hope so. If it's not, then I sent my thank you card to the wrong address. And I am not talking about sarcasm with malicious intent. 


      Whether it is a gift or not, God obviously has a sense of humor. He showed it when He asked Adam where he was hiding, when Jesus got the Sanhedrin to argue over the resurrection, and even when Nebuchadnezzar was living like a cow. Read the Bible--the God who invented laughter was not taken by surprise when mankind started laughing.


      We have four pastors on staff at my church, and we love to mess with each other. The following is an email from our lead pastor with my response below it (hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it).


Disclaimer: any similarity between my jokes and your church is purely intentional (don't be so serious).


Hello my friends,   
  

We will have a pastor's meeting tomorrow night, February 16, at 7:00 PM at Borders. 

   We will be discussing the first four chapters of Developing the Leader Within You, as well as preaching plans for the next few weeks. 

   Thanks,

   Pastor Tom

My response:


Fellow Pastors,    
                                                 
   I will start preparing now!

   I'll bring the Holy water or Mountain Dew (Heaven's Nectar)

and Ray, can bring a sacrificial lamb (but petting zoos are closed right now--you may have to get lamb chops). Make sure to wear your Pope hat Tom (not the pirate one), and Jeff, see if you can round up a few snakes from the lake by your house (and I don't mean your relatives next door).

   I'll call ahead to instruct the female baristas to wear a head covering. Jeff, if you get there early, please wait outside until I arrive with the Holy water so that we can properly exercise the demons from Borders (they entered the store because of the secular music they play). Except for the one that came with the shipment of Bill Marr's new book, New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (one demon per pallet).

   If you believed any portion of this email, you are not a Christian according to 2 Thessalonians 2:10-11 which says,

He will use every kind of evil deception to fool those on their way to destruction, because they refuse to love and accept the truth that would save them. So God will cause them to be greatly deceived, and they will believe these lies.

   If you fall into this category then message me back and I will ride my bicycle to your house to give you a copy of the 4 Spiritual Laws and a Gideon Bible that I received for free with a hotel room. We had multiple rooms on our last youth trip so I now have enough Bibles for every last one of you heathens.

May God be with you all,

The Reverend Nate Garrett


      What do you think? Have you met Christians who look like they were weaned on a lemon? You know, the ones that seldom smile and live like they believe laughter is foolish? Well, if you are in Christ, then you wear His name, and the name of Jesus is anything but lame.